Denver, Colorado—The American College of Sports Medicine has announced that breakfast cereal kingpin Count Chocula will deliver the keynote address at the World Congress for Exercise is Medicine in Denver this June.
“We’re just thrilled to hear from a monster who has done so much for children’s health,” said Wilford Brimley, the ACSM’s Vice President of Special Events.
“I mean, heck, I would’ve been overjoyed to hear from Franken Berry. But to have Count Chocula himself!” Brimley exclaimed, shaking his head in disbelief.
“He’s given millions to fund our research demonstrating that cereals composed primarily of marshmallows are the healthiest breakfast option for developing children,” Bruce Lindsey, ACSM Vice President of Suspicious Relationships, explained. “He’ll be a perfect finisher for a meeting about how a little exercise completely eliminates any chance of excess sugar consumption leading to a slow, painful death.”
The announcement comes amid sad news, however. Boo Berry, fellow breakfast cereal tycoon and dear friend of Count Chocula, passed away just last week from end-stage renal disease related to his type-2 diabetes. Mr. Berry has long stated that even after passing and becoming a friendly ghost, he plans to continue his efforts to push breakfast cereal and bamboozle parents by putting words like “whole grain” in enormous fonts on his cereal boxes. Count Chocula has stated that he will dedicate his speech to Mr. Berry’s memory.
“We’re hoping that this speech is the culmination of a fantastic partnership that, combined with our “Make Your Steps Count” program with Sesame Street’s The Count, will enable Americans to consume upwards of a kilo of sugar a day with no consequences whatsoever,” Lindsey stated.
“To have an opportunity to hear from the original monster who paved the way for all cheerful, sugar-peddling monsters with the aim of marketing toward young, impressionable children … what a treat! Just be sure to exercise enough to earn that treat,” Brimley chuckled.