Diehard Open Participant/Games Hopeful: “I Despise CrossFit”

After close to a decade of constant complaining about all aspects of CrossFit, Canadian athlete Donny Smythe registered for the Open for the fifth consecutive year, this time using the hashtag “#whatever” to conceal his hopes of making it to the CrossFit Games.

Under condition of anonymity, sources close to Smythe revealed his true feelings, and his email address: crossfit4life@provider.com.

“He’s obsessed with the Games—almost as much as he’s obsessed with whining about them,” the source said. “Sometimes he’s so fixated on the Games that he can’t decide whether to re-test a CrossFit Games workout or complain about its poor conception on Facebook for an hour. It’s a real mental battle for him every day. Deep down, there’s a lot of guilt. But he trains through it.”

Smythe himself would not confirm his obsession and brushed Overheard Press reporters off in favor of filming a workout that tested his ATP-CP battery, which he had also tested in the three previous days.

After posting the video to Instagram with the hashtag #screwthegames, Smythe proceeded to spend four to five hours watching CrossFit Games videos on YouTube.

“This sport is so stupid,” he said while checking to see if any Games athletes had liked his video. “I don’t even care about it. I don’t even know why I train six hours a day for it and don’t have a real job.”

Shortly after creating his next ATP-CP battery test, he spent an hour planning how he would find a way to criticize Open Workout 17.1 even if he felt like it was a good test of fitness.