Mediocre Athlete Earns Right to Call Workouts ‘Spicy’

Dexter Williams of Texas completed multiple sets of multiple muscle-ups in a workout and finally earned the right to call workouts “spicy” on social media.

Weary of using stale, pedestrian adjectives such as “tough,” “hard” or “brutal,” Williams employed a gymnastics coach to help him improve his skills so he could use the hallowed adjective with impunity in 95 percent of his Instagram posts.

Like his peers, Williams soon began posting videos featuring “spicy couplets,” spicy triplets” and “spicy chippers,” also making full use of the hashtag “#spicy” as often as possible.

“We felt like he was ready to use the term to the exclusion of all others,” stated Melanie Irulan, a member of the Fitness Athletes Social Media Council. “We regulate the term very strictly to preserve its value for upper-mediocre and elite athletes, but he’s clearly ready to get spicy and perhaps even very spicy now.”

Irulan confirmed Williams would definitely not yet be allowed access to the terms “lactic” and “torque,” though he was close to earning use of  “double day,” “sesh” and “tester.”

Regionals competitor Dan Fiddler—who himself just finished a very spicy triplet of handstand push-ups, pistols and deficit handstand push-ups—offered his congratulations to Williams on Facebook.

“Welcome to the spicy level, Dex! Say goodbye to ‘challenging’ workouts! Get on the spice train, bro-seph! #spiceislife.”

Williams, thrilled with access to the hallmark adjective of elite fitness athletes, celebrated by taking his crew out for curry that was flavored with an unusually piquant mix of ingredients.

“Wow, this is some, uh, geez, uh … some really potent shit!” Williams said.