The FBI National Security division has opened an investigation into House Speaker Paul Ryan’s ties to Russia, the Overheard Press has learned. The investigation began when a confidential informant spotted the Speaker performing kettlebell swings in the Capitol’s fitness facility at 5:07 AM this morning.
Nine high-ranking national security officials have since confirmed that an FBI investigation is ongoing. Speaking on the condition of anonymity, one explained, “While Filthy Fifty specifically calls for American Swings, Speaker Ryan’s bell never approached vertical. So Ryan not only used Russian exercise equipment, he also performed ‘Russian swings’ with said equipment.”
Ryan held a press conference this morning. He confessed to using a kettlebell, but explained, “Technically kettlebells come from Russia, but I exclusively use American-made kettlebells.” The Speaker avoided discussing his un-American range of motion.
The controversy could not come at a worse time for Ryan or the GOP. They are attempting to replace Obamacare with a Republican alternative, while confronting widespread suspicion of Republican collusion with Russian intelligence in the lead up to the 2016 presidential election. We contacted FBI Director James Comey, but Comey’s office said the Director has a strict policy of not discussing ongoing FBI investigations unless he feels like it.
House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi seized the opportunity, stating, “This is only the latest in a long string of questionable Paul Ryan fitness decisions, ranging from Baseball cap bicep curls to posing with Tony Horton. Should we trust Speaker Ryan with our nation’s health care when we can’t even trust his rep count in the 5 AM WOD?”