Bus Driver Awarded Olympic Gold After Rest of World’s Weightlifters Disqualified For Drug Use

Thanks to advancements in drug testing, CrossFit athlete Lester Johnson is now an Olympic gold medallist.

Johnson, a bus driver who considers weightlifting a hobby, was shocked last Thursday when IOC representative Miguel Ortega boarded his bus at the intersection of 5th and Washington to place a gold medal around Johnson’s neck with great ceremony. Due to a lengthy standing ovation and a playing of the U.S. national anthem, Johnson completed his route about 8 minutes behind schedule but escaped reprimand when his supervisor saw the medal.
After getting off the bus downtown somewhere, Ortega explained that tens of thousands of lifters were disqualified for failing new drug tests of old samples, and Johnson was found to hold the highest total worldwide in the 75-kg weight class. Though Johnson’s 245 snatch and 315 clean and jerk put him about 300 lb. back of the world-record total for the weight class, “We are 100 percent certain he’s not using steroids,” Ortega stated.
Johnson said he was aware that “a bunch” of weightlifters had been disqualified from the Olympics for using performance-enhancing drugs, but he had no idea he had a realistic shot at the podium.
“I didn’t even know the IOC was monitoring the leaderboard at my CrossFit gym,” said Johnson. “I guess it just goes to show you what you can accomplish if you lift heavy shit once in a while and everyone else is cranking ‘roids.”