Larry Dorch, a victim of no less than seven self-inflicted cases of rhabdomyolysis, recently admitted he ignores common sense, expert advice and science in general on a regular basis.
Dorch, who has been kicked out of nine CrossFit gyms in the tri-state area for ignoring qualified trainers, was most recently hospitalized for what doctors are calling a “near-prehistoric case” of salmonella poisoning.
“It’s the kind of infection you would expect to see in the Stone Age, before hygiene, refrigeration and rational thought,” Dr. Mary Winston of State General Hospital stated.
Speaking from his hospital bed, Dorch explained that he “knows best” and will do “whatever the hell I want” in every situation regardless of probable or even certain consequences including severe injury and death.
“Refrigeration is a myth,” Dorch said. “Refrigerating chicken is as stupid as scaling workouts. I’m going to leave my chicken on the counter for a week, and I’m going to do Murph three times in a row with a 40-lb. weight vest—and I’ll be just fine.”
CrossFit trainer Denise Sampson confirmed Dorch’s impressive resolve.
“Coaching cues, modifications, safety concerns—he’s impervious to all of it,” she said. “He just ignores trainers and other athletes, screams a lot and smashes things. He’s like the Incredible Hulk of fitness, except he gets hurt a lot.”
Dorch said that if his recovery goes as planned, he would still be able to perform his annual 36 Hours of Fran workout on May 12, and, as tradition dictates, he will again be juggling loaded handguns prior to the workout.