Athlete: Physio Tape Must Match Outfit

After weighing pseudo-science against fashion for a period of 12 seconds, Lenore Smyth of Florida chose to decline the application of kinesiology tape that “didn’t match my Lulu and Nanos.”

Smyth, a competitor in the Cubs division of the annual Beast Wars Fitness Throwdown, was experiencing mild to nonexistent muscle soreness after the first event and became enamored with the product upon seeing one of the athletes in the Tigers division sporting a multi-colored tape mandala on his back.

“He looked really hot, and I figured I should get some tape so I can feel better, maybe PR my deadlift and then hook up with that dude,” Smyth said.

After consulting an on-site chiropractor who quoted a long list of inconclusive and deeply flawed studies on the efficacy of the tape, Smyth became a believer. She requested a non-functional but highly decorative abdominal application, though her enthusiasm quickly faded when the care provider informed her he did not have teal tape that would match her tights.

“I’m certain the black tape will actually reduce the placebo effect of my perfect outfit, so it’s not worth messing with my current synergy even if the tape may or may not substantially improve my performance,” she said.

Momentarily disheartened, Smyth felt instantly better when she purchased a dramatically over-priced silicone ring, a sex toy that had been rebranded as a “mobility device for fitness athletes” and a supplement with a cool explosion on its label.