Expert: Shaker Cup Likely to Blow “Any Day Now”

CrossFit Petri coach Cindy Westmore, a survivor of no less than 11 blasts, stated that the protein shaker cup that’s been sitting on the reverse hyper for three months is now “ready to blow.”

Wearing protective gear much like that seen in the movie “The Hurt Locker,” Westmore pointed out key signs of increasing internal pressure and structural decay that indicate an explosion is imminent and unpreventable.

“The once-flat lid is now bubbling up, and you can clearly see stress lines around the perimeter of the cup,” she said, pointing with a piece of PVC. “You can’t move this thing now. If someone so much as drops a heavy clean, it’ll go up and we’re all going to die.”

While some fear the concussion of the blast, Westmore said it’s certain more deaths would result from infection when the contents of the cup are sprayed into the air and ingested.

“Most cups don’t reach this stage until Month 4, so it’s probable some sort of pre-workout catalyst is fueling the corruption of the protein mixture inside the cup. If post-workout materials and branch chain amino acids are also involved, the resulting bacteria could make the Black Death look like a mild head cold.”

Carl Sigurdsson, a 5-p.m. regular, suggested the cup belongs to “that drop-in guy with the tattoo,” while 6-p.m. fixture Darlene McGrady could only state, “All I know is that it’s not mine.”

Just before press time, the cup started to vibrate visibly, and the gym’s members evacuated to a safe distance, expecting the worst.

Westmore remained stoic as she gazed toward a quickly growing pink mushroom cloud that suddenly appeared over the gym: “We’ll just rebuild. We always do.”