Louisville – This morning, in remembrance of the day his heart was broken, Tony Darden walked into his local Crossfit Affiliate to complete a workout he calls “Tiffany”, named after the woman who left him on April 26th, 2014. The workout consists of 3 rounds, one for each year their sham of a marriage lasted.
“It starts with turkish getups as a reminder that when Tony gets knocked down, he’s gotta get back up.” Darden explained to The Overheard Press, speaking in the 3rd person.
Following the turkish get ups Darden would complete 10 muscle ups on rings, symbolic of the diamond ring that was left on his kitchen counter with a handwritten note that fateful day.
“I did this workout the first time because I didn’t really know what else to do with myself”, said Darden while casting a forlorn stare out of his gym’s giant roll up door. “And now I do it because…well…” the empty shell of a man simply trailed off.
Darden then announced bitterly through clenched teeth that each round concludes with a punishing 1,567 meter row, the same number as his monthly alimony payments to the former Mrs. Darden.
Following the workout, witnesses say Darden tumbled off the rower writhing in pain, somehow an even more broken man than before.
“Halfway through round 2, it felt like that was gonna last forever”, he gasped, having set a new personal record. “But I’ve learned never to trust that notion.”
Satisfied with his PR, Tony cleaned up his equipment and returned to his poorly decorated one bedroom apartment to refuel with a microwave paleo meal for one.