Stagnant Athlete Looking Forward to Throwback Thursday

Jane Doughtry of Nebraska, who has not hit a single PR in the last week, said she’s “incredibly thankful” Throwback Thursday is just around the corner on Instagram.

“I haven’t done anything cool for an entire week. Like, nothing,” she explained. “I need #TBT to get here now so I can re-post my 2016 snatch PR again.”

Quick research revealed Doughtry has fallen back on the snatch video at least four times since it was originally posted on Feb. 16, 2016. Three postings came on Throwback Thursdays, while a fourth appeared on Fallback Friday, a hashtag many social-media experts consider to be far inferior to the previous day’s alliterative theme. Doughtry has not yet given in to the urge to post the grainy video on Wayback Wednesday, though her resolve is wavering.

Doughtry allowed The Overhead Press access to her phone, and our reporters reviewed her extensive media library and confirmed that she has in fact done nothing athletically impressive for the last seven days. Further, our staff report that her selfie game is currently not strong, her use of squad-goals memes is growing hackneyed, and she is completely out of shots of her feet on beaches or in exotic vacation locales.

“Throwback Thursday can’t come soon enough for Miss Doughtry,” South American correspondent Raul Sousa said.
“We recommend she attempt a one-rep-max deadlift immediately to avoid bleeding followers and dropping below the ‘Mendoza Line’ of 200.”