Hipster Lifter Demands Platform Made of Reclaimed Wood

Seattle weightlifter Atticus Hudson Beckett III will “snatch no more” until the owners of CrossFit Gentrify make significant upgrades to platforms Beckett has deemed unworthy.

Beckett, an 85-kg lifter who can make a body-weight snatch about 50 percent of the time, expressed displeasure with disaffected disinterest when evaluating the weightlifting platforms constructed of plywood and two-by-fours. His protest comes exactly six months after a brief campaign for medicine balls made of leather reclaimed from 1920’s speakeasy armchairs.

“When I learned that the wood was bought at a common store, I was totes devo,” Beckett said. “These platforms have no character whatsoever. No soul.”

Affiliate owner Schultz Washburn confirmed the wood for the existing platforms indeed came from Home Depot but noted that “new lumber is probably a lot safer than the rotting planks from an 18-century tall ship or New Hampshire covered bridge.”

Beckett brushed aside safety concerns and named the location of no less than 10 piles of “completely usable” weather-worn, nail-filled lumber within 3 miles of the gym. He said friend Magnus Yohn-Huntley, a rustic-bohemian artisan who specializes in woodworking, is more than willing to assemble a platform from reclaimed planks for a to-be-determined sum commensurate with the level of craftsmanship and inspiration.

Washburn has so far declined Huntley’s assistance, and his apathy actually appeared to impress the disenfranchised weightlifter.

“It’s like he isn’t even trying to make his gym cooler, which is actually kind of deck now that I think about it.”