Theologians have confirmed that there is now a “special place in hell”
reserved specifically for CrossFit Games athletes who qualify for
Regionals, but then don’t show up to compete.
The announcement comes just days before the start of the 2017
CrossFit Regionals, which span from May 19 to June 4.
“We aren’t surprised at all,” said CrossFit Games Spokesman Tom Chang.
“When an athlete just fails to show up for Regionals, that individual
not only ruins his or her own chances of competing, but takes that
chance from whoever was waiting as a potential alternate in that
The Overheard Press was granted an exclusive interview with Harvard
Divinity School Professor Joan Barber, who explained why scholars of
all faiths have come to recognize this new eternally punitive
“It’s a dick move,” Barber explained.
“Unless the athlete has some sort of legitimate medical or family
emergency, it’s just a indication that he or she cheated in the Open
and doesn’t want to be exposed as a fraud.”
Different religions are obviously split on how, or even if, this sin can be atoned for, but all generally agree that it is uniquely heinous in nature.
Even those faiths that do not affirm an afterlife have spoken out
against unjustified no-showing.
“In the Hindu faith, we don’t believe in Hell,” explained CrossFit
athlete Aadarsh Patel. “Our faith teaches that if you no-show at
Regionals, you will likely be reincarnated as something terrible, like
a garden slug or a Kardashian.”