Trainer Admits Battle Ropes Are “Just a Mating Tool”

Exchanging knowing winks, client Bob Summers and Damon Winston once again headed to the corner for a “searing” but ultimately useless session on the battle ropes.

“Bob likes the battle ropes because they look amazing in pictures,” Winston said, “and I’m in the business of giving my clients what they want. Bob wants to get laid a lot, so we need shirtless battle-ropes media—and lots of it.”

Summers agreed: “I’m pretty good at waving the ropes around now, so I really don’t need my trainer to time me or count my reps anymore. I just get Damon to film my sessions and apply cool filters to the videos and pics. Then I upload and wait for someone to swipe right.”

Industry data reveals that both “strength and conditioning” and “sports performance” centers are 90 percent likely to feature battle ropes in their marketing simply for visual appeal. In fact, battle ropes ranked well ahead of ViPR logs, brightly colored hurdles and cones, wobble boards, TRX systems, and agility ladders.

Additional data indicated clients who use battle ropes in a training session consider themselves 60 percent more likely to have sex later that day.

Jenny Montgomery, evaluating local performance facilities before joining, stated that battle ropes are a “make-it-or-break-it feature”—equally as important as “super hot” trainers and oversized parking stalls that accommodate her Hummer H1.

“I won’t even consider working out in a facility that doesn’t have at least four sets of battle ropes.”

She added: “Does Bob Summers train here? He’s super dreamy.”