New Coca-Cola Tech Makes Drinking Soda During Dialysis Easy and Fun

In a joint statement released yesterday, Coca-Cola and the American College of Sports Medicine (ACSM) proudly announced a new technology that aims to give patients dying of chronic disease more options when it comes to the sugar-sweetened beverages they consume.

The Coca-Cola branded dialysis machine operates like other forms of dialysis, but also allows patients to choose from more than 100 fun combinations of sugar and water.

“Coca-Cola Dialysis Freestyle encourages patients with end-stage renal failure to express their individuality and customization by offering unprecedented beverage choices,” Said Jim Collins, Vice President of Coca-Cola’s Department of Unethical Partnerships. “It’s also helpful because most of them don’t have legs, so getting up to get their own drink isn’t really an option.”

“The goal of this exciting new technology is to keep people drinking soda,” said ACSM spokesman Ross Armstrong. “We hope to help Americans maintain energy balance while ensuring Coca-Cola will continue to pay the bills for our organization for the next decade.”

While some have questioned wether a soda-company should be producing equipment to treat diseases caused by sugar-consumption, Collins assured the pubic that Coca-Cola is only trying to help improve the lives of their customers.

“The Academy of Nutrition and Dietetics, which we coincidentally fund, has assured us that diabetes is an incurable disease cause by genetics that has nothing to do with soda consumption.”