Unfit Thief Scales Burglary Significantly, Remains Unfit

Southborough, Mass.—Speaking on condition of anonymity, professional coach potato “Will Hunting” has expanded his career to include the occasional lazy, badly executed burglary, The Overheard Press has learned.

Hunting, speaking from the backyard Turtle Pool in which he was enjoying a “celebratory soak,” confirmed that he indeed performed Monday’s awkward robbery of Pennant CrossFit, looting a single Concept2 rowing machine. The incident was caught on camera, Hunting did not obscure his face, and it appeared as though an ID tag of some sort was hanging from his hoodie.

Hunting, described as “heavyset” by ABC affiliate WCBV, explained that he jimmied the front door but was horrified to find that most of the gym’s equipment was heavy and would require some degree of physical effort to remove. Recalling that CrossFit workouts can be modified for any individual, he applied the principle to theft: When he spotted a rowing machine equipped with wheels, Hunting decided it was the lone piece of gear he was physically or psychologically capable of stealing.

Without lowering the monitor arm, Hunting, sweating profusely with the effort, wheeled the ergometer to the front door but struggled to navigate the 90-degree turn. After some jiggling, he was able to remove the piece of fitness equipment, which he has no plans to use.

“I don’t even know what it is,” Hunting said. “I just didn’t want to leave empty handed.”

Hunting also confirmed it was the first time he had ever set foot in a fitness facility—and the last.

“CrossFit, and robbing CrossFit gyms, is just too hard.”

Anyone with information on the crime is encouraged to call police at 508-485-2147.