Morning Coach Uses Muscle Stimulator to Maintain Artificial Smile

Known as “Coach Nitro” to clients at CrossFit Morn in Montana, Beverley Clemens confessed she’s using performance-enhancing technology to maintain her high-energy positivity.
Speaking through clenched teeth, Clemens explained that she carefully uses her hair to hide flesh-colored Compex muscle-stimulator electrodes strategically placed near the back of her jaw. Before every morning class, she sets the device for maximum intensity, ensuring a constant string of enormous smiles.
“Sometimes I get a little tired when I have to coach the 8 p.m. class and then turn it around for 4 a.m., but the quality of my coaching will not suffer, even if I have to ‘plug my face in,'” she said, grunting slightly with each pulsation.
CrossFit Morn clients are blissfully unaware their coach is actually a fitness android. They’re just happy she’s fired up and ready to roll every single morning.
“I don’t know how she does it,” 5-a.m. athlete Dom Zeppler said. “It’s like she’s nuclear powered. Her energy levels never drop.”
Clemens, who used to survive seven straight hours of coaching by consuming just over 2 gallons of coffee, scaled her consumption back slightly after the extreme levels of caffeine made her feel like she was “teleporting around the gym rather than walking.”
Clemens said she’ll stop at nothing to deliver a first-class experience to her clients every hour: “I’ve actually hit myself with the AED a few times between classes. I don’t recommend it, but my clients come first.
“I’ll snort uranium if it creates a better experience for my members.”