Sore, Limping Employee Causes Co-Workers to Fear CrossFit

Maria Escobar, 47, of Dallas, Texas, unwittingly countered years of CrossFit Inc. marketing by clumsily lumbering into work Tuesday morning, bleeding from her shin through her pantyhose.

Escobar, who had completed a difficult CrossFit workout two days prior, told co-workers she was “too sore to live” and disturbed everyone but the creepy warehouse guy by biting a large callus off the palm of her hand while leaning awkwardly against the water cooler in the break room.

Wearing a V-necked sleeveless blouse that revealed both bruised, raw collarbones and upper arms covered with bright red whip marks, Escobar proceeded to give co-workers a detailed description of the “awesome workout,” which included push presses, double-unders and box jumps.

Midway through her story, Escobar noticed she was bleeding heavily from a gash in her shin only when her shoe “started to feel wet,” she said.

Too sore to bend over and bandage the injury, Escobar used a long pair of salad tongs to dab a wad of toilet paper on the wound before finishing her protein shake and hobbling back to her desk.

Though human-resources representatives confirmed Escobar’s physique is the subject of inappropriate conversations daily, accountant Larry Mendez admitted he was reconsidering joining Escobar for a workout later in the week.

“She keeps telling me, ‘CrossFit is awesome’ and ‘Anyone can do CrossFit,'” Mendez said. “I might believe her if she didn’t look like a ‘Walking Dead’ extra most of the time.”