Though he had always been told loading plates with the numbers facing in would “keep the power in the bar,” lifter Dennis Ian had no idea that failure to do so would imbue him with a curse of biblical proportions.
Breaking with tradition, decency and common sense, Ian knew a mighty force had been awakened and angered as soon as he confirmed his foolishness by sliding collars on the bar. The second the plates were locked into place, witnesses reported “a loud cracking sound followed by a heaving of the foundation” that shot a geyser of blood, ash and locusts into the air. With massive, slimy, foetid tentacles slithering from the pit to drag other athletes to their watery doom, Ian addressed the bar and ignored the hundreds of frogs suddenly croaking madly on the platform.
Though most athletes were killed or fled immediately, CrossFit Sarnath affiliate owner Tina Napoleon dutifully started mopping up the blood and shooing the tentacles back into the pit before a blinding flash of light left a barbell-shaped scar on Ian’s forehead. With the air reeking of sulphur, burnt flesh and assorted muscle creams, Napoleon fled to “call CrossFit RRG,” leaving Ian alone on the platform to miss his snatch and deeply regret his desecration of tradition.
“We’ve never seen a curse like this,” said Miskatonic University esotericism expert Henry F. Albo. “It’s likely equivalent to the super-curse that would have been created had a 27-year-old John F. Kennedy played a Jimi Hendrix solo while wearing the Hope Diamond on the cover of Madden 13.”
He continued: “After consulting both the ‘Weightlifting Necronomicon’ and ‘Unaussprechlichen Kulten von Barbell,’ I have determined Ian’s family shall be cursed for 66 generations or until the end of the world—whichever comes first.”
Albo said Ian’s line cannot be saved, though other weightlifters might escape the curse by sprinkling chalk on their door posts before dusk and turning their knee sleeves inside out to dry for a change.
Informed of the enduring, apocalyptic nature of his damnation, Ian was shocked.
“I had no idea I was summoning the Elder Gods through a portal ripped right through space and time. I just really wanted to hit a PR,” he said shortly before great leathery wings sprouted from his back and his feet turned into razor-sharp flippers.