‘Exercise Is Not a Sport,’ Says Man Who Watches NASCAR

With the 2017 Reebok CrossFit Games only a month away, social media user Alan Bonner has begun his annual campaign to let everyone in his small sphere of influence know that “competitive exercise” is not a real sport.

Working diligently, Bonner scans social media, looking for anyone who dares to call CrossFit Games competitors “athletes.”

“It’s an insult to true athletes– Men like Dale Earnhardt, Jeff Gordon, and Richard Petty,” writes Bonner, presumably from the custom gaming PC he built in his parent’s basement. “While Mat Fraser is having fun in the gym, REAL athletes are putting hours into the art of turning left.”

Most of Bonner’s work is conducted from two twin mattresses his parents gave him to sleep on.

“I’d like to see Rich Froning sit in the driver’s seat and experience 1.9 G’s of force for 3 hours.”

Dring the off-season, Bonner spends most of his time engaging in edit-wars on wikipedia. He also trolls the Instagram accounts of Female CrossFit Games participants, looking for posts featuring their “before and after” pictures.

“Somebody needs to tell these ladies the truth, that they looked better before all the CrossFit,” Bonner said between puffs of a menthol cigarette.