Madison to Provide Smog, Kombucha, Assholes to Help Californians Acclimate During CrossFit Games

The friendly people of Madison are putting out the welcome mat for Southern Californians who will soon leave their earthquake-threatened homes in the polluted, God-forsaken desert to travel to the Midwest for the CrossFit Games.

“We want our California brothers and sisters to feel comfortable up here,” Deputy Mayor Olivia Nelson said. “We’re committed to significantly downgrading the livability of our state so they aren’t shocked by clean air, friendliness and non-radioactive bodies of fresh water.”

Madison city clerk Lars Larson stated that the Wisconsin city has passed a temporary ordinance requiring all cars to be left running at all times to decrease air purity in advance of the Games, and the Department of Highways confirmed that it has randomly shut down 60 percent of the state’s roadways to ensure gridlock at all times of the day in summer. Similarly, the Utilities Department is currently debating the exact schedule of rolling blackouts for Games week.

Local restaurants have reportedly increased orders for kombucha, sushi ingredients and “other pretentious bullshit,” and service-industry managers throughout the state have instructed servers to be “40 to 50 percent ruder,” Denny’s manager Del Hammond explained.

He added: “We’re going to go the extra mile and spit in every double decaf cappuccino as well.”

Indeed, the Badger State is pulling out all the stops.

“We are flying Heather Graham, Mark Ruffalo and Willem Dafoe back to Wisconsin for Games week simply so they can walk around local hotels and refuse to sign autographs,” Deputy Mayor Nelson said. “We can’t be L.A., but we can certainly bring a little L.A. to Madison.”