Function-Fit Fast 2000X Owner Offers Groundbreaking Interpretation of Copyright Laws

Dez Dickinson, owner of Function-Fit Fast 2000X, stated, with no legal backing whatsoever, that he is certain he has the right to brand his company with images owned by others.

After unveiling his website, affiliate program, equipment store, seminar series, and 50-square-foot storage locker/bricks-and-mortar facility, Dickinson received no less that 70 cease-and-desist letters from CrossFit Inc.,CrossFit affiliates, and various other companies. Getty Images also joined the legal assault, and representatives for Jerry Rice confirmed that the legendary NFL receiver does not, in fact, endorse or train at Function-Fit Fast 2000X. Suits from so-called “Function-Fit celebrity endorsers” Johnny Depp, Bruce Springsteen and Shakira are also expected.

Dickinson’s brand presence combines mediocre and rare bursts of originality with the CrossFit brand, though he has carefully but awkwardly edited the word “CrossFit” out of all images used in his marketing to ensure he’s onside of intellectual-property laws.

“The squat was invented centuries ago, so it’s now in the public domain,” Dickinson said confidently. “I also crop out the owner’s watermark so copyright doesn’t apply anymore.”

Looking to add athletes he is not sleeping with to his stable of three current clients, Dickinson is also skirting legal issues by using variations of the trademark “CrossFit.”

“I don’t do CrossFit. I do CrossFit-esque functional training. There’s a really big difference. We use constantly varied functional movements performed at ultra-high intensity,”
he said, emphasizing the word “ultra.”

CrossFit Legal could not be reached for comment as all staff members are busy stomping Dickinson’s company out of existence.