Depression-Era Circus Strongman Offended by Round Plates in CrossFit Games

Hiram “The Mighty Hercules” Alston had to be sedated at Green Hills Retirement Home Thursday after he became incensed by the colored circular rubber plates used for weightlifting in the CrossFit Games.

Alston, 103, is remembered by almost no one at all as the strongman in Bartleby and Bigby’s Upper Northeast Circus from 1935 to 1938. Known locally for lifting one-piece barbells and dumbbells with large iron spheres at each end, Alston flew into a rage after watching Sam Dancer deadlift a mere 615 lb. with a barbell loaded with bright red plates.

“What sort of ridiculous child’s toy is that colored contraption?” Alston said after nurses administered a sedative. “He might as well be lifting a lovely basket of posies and pansies.”

Drifting in and out of lucidity, Alston recounted several feats of strength he deemed far more impressive than Dancer’s lift.

“I once deadlifted a 970-pound horse, then pressed it overhead thrice in front of Franklin D. Roosevelt,” Alston said. “Another time, after a healthy swig of Doc Deacon’s All-Curing Muscle Tonic, I held the entire freak show on my back using not but a wooden board.

“Could these CrossFit imposters chew a single nail in half or crack a single stone with a fist? I think not.”

A straw poll suggests at least 80 percent of the members of Starting Strength Forums agreed with The Mighty Hercules on all points, and one member, OldSchoolStrong1919, asked his great-grandson to start an online petition demanding nail chewing be added to the CrossFit Games in 2017.

His points made, Alston twirled the end of his mustache, mumbled something about “fighting the god-damn Nazis” and nodded off to sleep.