No One Surprised ‘Ultra-Hipster’ Suddenly Obsessed With Kettlebells

NASHVILLE– Declan Van Quintus, widely regarded as the most eccentric member of his gym, has ceased attending CrossFit classes and is now training only with kettlebells during open-gym slots.

Van Quintus generally rides his unicycle through the gym’s bay doors during the 5-p.m. class, removes his civil-war era attire, and starts warming up for his session, which he now conducts according to strict Russian Kettlebell Certification (RKC) standards.

Once the class ends, Van Quintus will usually find some way to use the words “hardstyle” and “long cycle” when asking to play The Mars Volta album “De-Loused in the Comatorium” for the entire hour of training.

“I think Declan likes the Kettlebell because it has a vintage, ironic appearance.” Said Josh Haynes, who also attends open-gym. “He once told me the kettlebell was the Penny-farthing of gym equipment. I had to google that one.”

Gym owner Rex Terry said he had Van Quintus pegged as a “kettlebell guy” from the day he walked into the gym.

“Declan is way out there, man. He lives in a VW Westfalia van, owns a share in a collective that makes craft butter, and has a pet anteater named Juan Carlos. I knew he was exactly the kind of person who was going to get really, really into kettlebell training.”

At time of press, Van Quintus was getting an ironic kettlebell tattoo on his calf, just below his line-art tattoo of a vintage 35mm camera.