Las Vegas– CrossFit devotee Jim Baker was shocked to learn that the Rogue Fitness Jump Rope he purchased from the company’s website does not include double-unders.
The 42-year-old athlete has long struggled with skipping rope, and felt certain his newest purchase would solve his problems.
“Jim’s technique is atrocious, but he has always blamed his inability to perform double-unders on his rope,” said CrossFit Savant Trainer Jane Harvey. “I once saw him flip out and throw a perfectly good speed-rope in the trash after whipping himself one too many times.”
Baker purchased the Rogue PRO Jump Rope, a $160 dollar rope that debuted in competition during the 2016 CrossFit Games.
“Jim brought his new rope straight to the gym to test his double-unders,” Harvey recalled. “With his new rope in hand, he looked at me with the confidence of a man who was about to strike a fatal blow to his enemy. Then he started jumping with high-knees and flailing his arms like a spaz, as always does.”
Witnesses say Baker failed to perform a single double-under that day. The result was a devastating blow to his confidence, and significant lacerations on the backs of his legs and arms.
“I can’t believe this,” Baker said. “With the amount that rope cost, I was sure that double-unders would be included in the price.”
Bill Henniger, Founder of Rogue Fitness, told the Overheard Press that Baker is not the first to mistakenly think the PRO Jump Rope includes double-unders in the price.
“It’s a common misunderstanding,” said Henniger. “The price is based on craftsmanship. The PRO is constructed from adamantium, a nearly-indestructable metal alloy, and the product is delivered in hand-sewn leather case made from the foreskins of a dozen baby lambs.”
At time of press, Baker was scouring Ebay, looking for a rope that had been used by the famous Buddy Lee.
“If he’s touched it, if he’s used it, I’m sure it will have been imbued with the powers I need.”