“Lord Jack,” self-declared supreme ruler of CrossFit Golding, has officially dissolved the management and ownership structure of the British affiliate, declaring the arrival of the so-called Iron Age of Jack.
The revolution, brewing for several months in increasingly contentious open-gym slots, reached its zenith when Lord Jack, then referred to only as “Jack,” refused coaches’ requests that he stop hogging all the equipment for his specially designed Regionals Training Program (RTP). After a brief struggle involving minor injuries to all parties, Lord Jack was able to seize the Conch of Power—also known as the remote control for the gym’s clock.
Sitting atop a throne made of bumper plates, a bathrobe-clad Lord Jack used Monday’s now-lawless open-gym session to banish former owner Rebecca Rutherford and former manager Liam Smith to the storage room, where they would be imprisoned indefinitely and fed only the protein samples “that taste like shit.”
Dramatically setting fire to the posted rules that once governed open gym, Lord Jack rose and made a solemn declaration likely pirated from the video game “Assassin’s Creed”:
“Nothing is true. Everything is permitted. Max out every day.”
The gym’s assembled athletes thumped medicine balls and grunted their approval in unison, signaling their acceptance of the new code by solemnly marking their faces and torsos with chalk and dry-erase markers.
Thrice striking the rubber-covered floor with the gym’s single Eleiko barbell to codify his words as Ultimate Law, Lord Jack returned with his Praetorian Guard of Affiliate Cup competitors to the smaller warm-up gym, now a private sanctum renamed The Pleasure Dome.
At press time, Lord Jack was into Hour 3 of a muscle-stim session while his Page 15 Minions in the newly named Thunder Dome were engaging in Make a Boast, Snatch the Most, a ritual duel in which rivals challenge each other for privileges, with the loser bludgeoned to death with kettlebells and the winner allowed clean drinking water and first choice of mate.