Newly Minted ‘Weightlifter’ Forsakes Imperial System, Asks for ‘a Kilo of Cola’

Todd Burns, veteran of a single three-hour weightlifting clinic on the weekend, will now obnoxiously and exclusively use the metric system as often as he can in an attempt to draw attention to his new area of interest.

Showing up for the morning class on Monday, Burns made a point of loudly asking coach Tim Hunter if he should do Fran at “43 or 44 kilos.” When Hunter suggested Burns “just use 95 pounds,” the athlete stared at him blankly for an uncomfortably long period before muttering something about Pyrros Dimas. Burns eventually made his way over to the barbell rack but made a mental note to complain about his ignorant coach in the weightlifting forum he had joined one day prior with the handle “kilomonster72.”

Burns’ disdain for imperial measurement has spread outside the gym and, as planned, provided many opportunities to mention an “upcoming meet” and explain that he is now a “competitive weightlifter.”

At work on Monday, Burns was heard repeatedly telling co-workers he needed “another half-kilo of coffee to get through the day,” and he later spent several minutes arguing with a Best Buy clerk about whether a “1 kilo” extension cord would reach from the garage to the back yard. (It didn’t.)

Even Burns’ family was subjected to what friends are now calling “some sort of measurement genocide.”

“Dad asked me to put 18.95 kilos of gas in the car,” a confused 16-year-old Debbie said from the Burns residence. “I just filled it with premium and went to the Apple store so I didn’t have to listen to him talk about Sinclair coefficients or whatever.”

In the garage—now referred to as the “Training Hall”—late Monday, Todd was sketching out plans for a lifting platform on which he might replace his current 125-lb. snatch PR with a metric lift, but he was slowed considerably when he became unsure how many kilos of plywood he would need for the project.