Ser Ilyn Payne, owner of CrossFit Westeros, has instituted a revolutionary and questionably legal motivation system at his gym.
At the conclusion of each day, Payne will review all client’s scores and then summarily execute the owner of the worst result.
“I’m having my lawyers at W. Frey and Associates review the waiver to ensure it’s airtight,” the mute Payne said in sign language. “I feel confident that I’ll be on solid legal ground when heads start rolling.”
While Payne admitted that a Darwinian daily execution will affect his member churn rate and daily cleaning expenses, he believes the fear of death will bring unmatched fitness improvements that will result in industry-leading retention rates with surviving members.
The former royal executioner for both Robert Baratheon and Joffrey Lannister, Payne raised several eyebrows at a recent Level 1 Certificate Course when he repeatedly asked which of CrossFit’s nine foundational movements most resembled decapitating an unfit client with a 90-cm sword.
Payne—who is actually very good at the deadlift—passed the Level 1 test and was granted affiliate status six months later, mostly on the strength of “a beautifully written application essay detailing his passion for helping people lose ‘about 11 pounds,'” said a member of CrossFit’s Affiliate Team.
“In CrossFit we often say ‘men will die for points,'” Payne explained. “That’s true, but don’t forget about women and children, too.”