‘Professional Athletes Eat Loads of Carbs so I Should Too,’ Sedentary Man Concludes

An article promoting low-carb, high-fat diets posted on CrossFit’s Facebook page rubbed 39-year-old Jerry Giesler the wrong way. The article, which represented hundreds of Canadian physicians, promoted the LCHF diet as a healthy and effective way to prevent and reverse chronic disease.

“That’s BS,” Giesler wrote, typing rapidly on a keyboard stained orange with the artificial cheese that so often clings to his fingertips.

Employing flawless deductive logic, Giesler argued that since no CrossFit Games athletes follow a LCHF diet, the recommendation cannot be ideal for anyone’s health or performance.

“I read in Men’s Health that Noah Ohlsen eats 500 grams of carbs per day,” Giesler explained. “If it was true that carbs are bad for you, Ohlsen would have the diabetes. Instead he looks like a Greek god.”

Giesler joined a chorus of other objectors in the comments, many of whom argued that high-carb diets are necessary for optimal brain function, though their misspellings and grammatical errors indicated otherwise.

Giesler, who has a family history of obesity, heart disease, and type 2 diabetes, is confident that excess dietary carbohydrate plays no role in any of the conditions his doctor has warned him he is at risk for.

“People say the paleo diet can help me lose weight and reduce my risk of heart disease, but nobody in the Games is doing Paleo anymore. Next, they will be telling me that doing one intense workout is healthier than the high-volume training I put in by walking back and forth to the refrigerator all day.”