Somewhat Decent Athlete with Time Machine Wins 2007 CrossFit Games

It was with great pride and moderate effort that Marcus Littleton, a reasonably competent CrossFit athlete, took home first place at the 2007 CrossFit Games, rewriting history as we know it.

After using a time machine to transport himself to Dave Castro’s Ranch on the eve of the inaugural CrossFit Games, Littleton, who boasts a 186th-place regional finish in the 2017 Open, easily outperformed the elite competitors of 2007. When the quaint grassroots gathering of board-short-clad athletes came to a close, Littleton stood atop the podium. He caused quite a stir over those two days in Aromas, California despite being only the 3rd best athlete on his gym’s 2017 competition squad.

“I felt like a superhuman,” recalled the 26-year-old athlete, known in our current timeline for solid, yet unremarkable performances at local fitness competitions.

“When I called for 405 as my first squat attempt in the total there were audible gasps. Apparently, there used to only be one strong guy back then, someone named Josh Everett. It was crazy.”

Initially, Littleton feared it would be difficult to connect socially with the proto-CrossFitters of 2007. However, he found himself quickly embraced by the fledgling community.

“Everybody was so nice, but they did give me a hard time for wearing knee sleeves. There were also lot fewer beards and literally everyone was a firefighter or in the military. At least no one was obsessed with kinesio tape back then.”

Despite an overall positive experience, some differences between the current and former climates of the sport caught Littleton off guard.

“Before the award ceremony Glassman goes ‘Alright, time for the drug test.’ I had my fly halfway down when everybody else just started laughing and I slowly realized it was a joke.”

While Marcus did emerge victorious, adapting to an earlier era certainly presented unforeseen challenges. He tells us the most difficult part of the two-day competition was the inability to broadcast his utter domination over instagram, as the photo-sharing app would not be launched for another three years.