Weekend warrior and avid college football fan, Scott Simmons, has begun to excuse his recent pattern of laziness and self-indulgence by pointing to distant plans for a “life-changing” New Year’s resolution.
The 52-year-old sales manager entered what friends and family are calling a “dangerously early” start to his yearly holiday gluttony.
Simmons’ downward spiral began with his consumption of a 3-pound bag of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, eaten while binge-watching the Netflix series, Stranger Things.
Like a once docile pet who develops a taste for blood, Simmons has not recovered his relatively healthy lifestyle. Friends report that, since Halloween, Simmons has not been to the gym, woken up before 8AM, or eaten a meal that did not include some quantity of refined sugar and beer.
“Usually he stops going to the gym in December,” explained Simmons’ wife, Tammy. “He always complains that the barbells are too cold, but around the same time he starts eating leftover pie and cookies for breakfast. We encourage him to keep it together, but he just dismisses our concerns and talks about the ‘New Year.'”
“By the time January comes, he’s never doing well,” said Jason Thompson, one of Simmons’ co-workers. “I’ve never seen him start this early.”
“It’s all fine,” Simmons wrote via email, having slept through both the CrossFit class he had promised to attend and a scheduled phone interview with the Overheard Press. “I’m getting my life together come January first. Until then, it’s game on.”
Simmons’ family physician, Lynda Rice, explained in medical terms what his current path might lead to.
“He will be dead by Christmas.”