Local Man Prepares to Dominate His First CrossFit Class

DALLAS– Drew Wilson is no stranger to exercise, and is confident he will “destroy” his fist workout at CrossFit Pitfall.

The 22-year-old has previously demonstrated high levels of proficiency on the pec-dec, elliptical, and leg-press, and sees no reason CrossFit would present a challenge to his fitness.

“I’ve seen their videos on You-Tube,” Wilson explained. “It looks like a bunch of gay stuff mixed with weights. Once I crush their workout, they will all be asking me to show them my routine of lat-pull-downs and crunches.”

Dressed in a sleeveless, wicking athletic shirt, and sporting a large, waterproof iPod case strapped around his upper arm, Wilson walked into his local affiliate, prepared to put the CrossFit fad to rest once and for all.

“He was dressed like he was headed to a senior wellness class at the YMCA,” Said CrossFit Pitfall coach Linda Beall. “I haven’t seen someone so mentally unprepared for CrossFit since the early 2000’s.”

After coaching Wilson through the air-squat, Beall introduced him to the pull-up.

“He told me he could do 40 pull-ups, but his range of motion was terrible. When I got him to straighten his arms all the way at the bottom of the pull-up, we discovered he actually couldn’t even do a single dead-hang.”

After his 20 minute warm-up and instruction session with Beall, the confident young athlete mysteriously disappeared from the gym. Witnesses say Wilson was last seen gathering his belongings and mumbling something about CrossFit being dangerous.