CHICAGO– CrossFit affiliate owner Marty Machowski has been promoting “cold therapy” for athletes for weeks, but sources close to the coach report that he is only worried about the “recovery” of his bottom line.
Machowski first began selling his clients on the benefits of cold therapy after what witnesses call a serious of “suspiciously cold mornings.” Investigation revealed that the gym’s ancient gas heater refused to light, and an estimate for repairs found on Machowski’s desk indicated athletes could expect the single-digit temperatures to continue for some time.
This isn’t the first time Machowski has been accused of turning lemons into opportunistic lemonade.
“He’s always been stingy,” Said one witness. “I remember last summer when we had a severe heat wave, but he didn’t want to turn the AC on. He wrote an entire blog post on how stagnant, 100 degree air improved athletic performance.”
“After a workout, your body needs to ‘repair’ itself,” Machowski explained. “Exposure to cold, like an ice bath or laying on the floor of a gym kept at sub-zero temperates, will immediately reduce swelling and flush lactic acid out of the body.”
“I actually plan to increase my membership rates, since I’m offering such a specialized recovery environment,” Machowski added, while shoving packets of HotHands heat packs into his pockets.