Hospitals Note Sharp Uptick in CrossFit Open Induced Butthurt, Bruised Egos

KALAMAZOO– At first glance it looked like a normal Friday morning at the Kalamazoo County Hospital Emergency Department, but these were no ordinary patients. As had been the case for the last three Friday mornings, the emergency department was overrun with whining, complaining, and sobbing CrossFit enthusiasts suffering acutely from the previous night’s Open announcement.

Those most effected were affiliate owners upset about the workout’s equipment, space, and time requirements and Open participants who did nothing to improve their fitness in the previous year, yet feel a desperate need to highlight their physical abilities on social media.

“The types of conditions we are seeing are hard to diagnose” said Dr. Jan Wilkes. “Victims present with no visible injuries, yet a CT scan with contrast reveals their dreams have been completely shattered by the Open programming”

The doctors have no other choice but to refer the patients to the psychological staff.

“I couldn’t be happier” said psychologist James Peterson. “I always thought it was the orthopedic surgeons who made all the money off of the CrossFit cult, but now thanks to the Open, my practice is booming!”

Dr. Peterson says that these patients will ultimately need to derive their self-worth from something other than a $20 online fitness competition, but such long-term goals are unrealistic.

“Instead, I speak to them in their own language and have them do an 5 minute EMOM of 10 deep breaths followed by a 5 minute AMRAP of free association on Christmas Abbott, Garrett Fisher, or some other CrossFit Star. Then we redirect the victim’s focus to next year’s open. It works wonders for them, and I bill for a full hour.”