Celebrity Diet Successfully Makes Man Boney and Gross

James Billforbloven of Orange, California, tried all the trendiest diets in an effort to lose weight and look Newport-Beach-chic: He tried South Beach, the 5:2 diet and even had gone vegan for a brief time, living off a balanced spread of leafy greens, organic seitan, Oreo Thins and Diet Coke.

Nothing worked, not even when he added exercise to his routine. After a month of bi-weekly outings to the gym, where he perused “In Touch Weekly” while occasionally churning the stationary bike for 30 minutes, Billforbloven still couldn’t see his hip bones through his bicycle shorts. He knew he needed a change.

Finally, last May he found a diet guru who could help him shed those extra pounds. Luna Waifwater, the visionary behind Don’t Eat All Day, Inc., came to the rescue.

“I met Luna in the ‘personal transformation’ section of the bookstore,” Billforbloven said. “Our eyes locked over a copy of ‘Effortless Weight Loss: The Eat-Enough-Just-to-be-Infirm-and-Trim Way’”

He recalls that Waifwater gave him a sympathetic smile, shook her head and offered him her card.

“I met Luna at the local juice bar a week later,” Billforbloven said. “She told me the Eat-Enough-Just-to-be-Infirm-and-Trim Diet, or EEJIT Diet, was a fad, and that I needed to commit myself to something more drastic if I wanted to feel good about myself.

The patented Don’t-Eat-All-Day Diet (DEAD) is a modified version of the intermittent fasting diet that has become popular in recent years. Billforbloven says that after devotedly following the diet for three months, he could finally start buying his bicycle shorts in the little boys department again.

Now he spends his days basking in the Newport Beach sun, and despite lacking the strength to lift an arm and spray himself with another layer of Banana Boat Tanning Oil, he feels great about how he looks in his banana hammock.

“After trying Luna’s Don’t-Eat-All-Day Diet, I don’t think I’ll ever go back,” he said. “I can have all the Oreos and Diet Coke I want once the sun goes down, and I’m saving a ton on groceries every month.”

“I’m so grateful to Luna and the Don’t-Eat-All-Day program,” he said. “I’m DEAD, all the way.”