Brazilian CrossFit Affiliates Provide Latin American Region with Giant Anaconda as Sub for Rogue ‘Worm’

RIO DE JANEIRO, BRAZIL–– Earlier this week, news broke that due to a local strike in Brazil, all the equipment for CrossFit’s Latin America Regional was held up and could not make it to the venue. Jerry Borg, CrossFit Games General Manager, quickly announced that the Regional would still take place citing a “contingency plan” to equip the Region prior to Friday’s scheduled start time.

But a significant obstacle stood in the way of CrossFit’s contingency plan: Finding a replacement for the The Rogue Worm. The Worm, a 17-foot long, 435-pound tube-like structure, is a critical piece of equipment in CrossFit’s Regional competitions. Teams must work together to maneuver the behemoth- lifting, squatting, and carrying it to victory.

Games staff began experimenting with equipment to replace the Worm early Thursday morning, as South Americans brought in whatever they could offer. A Colombian affiliate offered a 20-foot log of cocaine wrapped in duct tape and plastic.

“It had the flexibly and weight we were going for, but we were concerned none of the athletes would pass a drug test after touching it,” Borg explained.

After rejecting the proposal, CrossFit staff were met by a group of Mexican affiliates, who offered to craft a massive, 400 pound burrito. The idea was abandoned due to concerns over food safety.

“It was the Brazilians who had the winning idea,” Borg said. “Not the lazy communist ones that caused the problem to begin with, but the CrossFitters.”

Banning together to save their Region, Brazilian affiliates went into the surrounding jungles and retrieved multiple anacondas, the massive South American snake popularized by legendary Hip Hop artist Sir Mix-a-Lot. The snakes were then tranquilized, weighed, and determined to be a sufficient replacement for the Rogue Worm.

“It’s great to see the Latin American community coming together and offering up the best of what they have to help solve a problem,” Borg said. “Sure, that mostly meant bananas, drugs, bad soap operas and hot women, but eventually we found a solution that worked.”